Been skimming through a book: 10 Proven Steps from I Wish to I Do by Duana C. Welch. It looks at the science behind relationships and why men and women choose the people they do. I came across a chapter entitled, “Flunk Wrong Relationships to Ace the One.”
Good title, so I read it through…
Welch quotes some information by Susan Page. Among her bits of wisdom is this jewel: “The secret to finding love is to clarify what you want and then to pass up everyone who does not fit the bill.”
But the real meat of the chapter focuses on what Page refers to as “BTN’s.”
Better than nothings.
This are the people who are the “dead-end relationships…the friends who can’t be more, the almost-but-not-quites.” Single people view these involvements as not ideal, lacking key requirements and not-so-bad-but-still-lacking-something. They are better than nothing, but not as good as what we desire truly.
So, with that intro, and knowing that a number of fellow singles read this blog, allow me to highlight some valuable points made in this chapter:
- “People rationalize staying in unsuitable relationships because their partner has some of what they desire, and they’ve lost faith in finding the whole enchilada; they might not find anyone else at all…they just can’t bring themselves to say no to this relationship; or–very common–they think they’ll hang out in this wrong relationship as a good-for-now thing until Right One comes along. Pain and fear are at the bottom of every one of these reasons for wasting our time in dead-end relationships. Pain and fear have many disguises, and two of the most powerful are time already invested and guilt.”
- “Nobody every said, ‘Thank you for settling for me.'”
- (on leaving those BTN’s) “There will be pain if you go–and more pain if you stay.”
- “BTN’s…tease us with finite fixes for infinite yearnings.”
- “Ultimately, all we need to know is that one little piece of information: ‘Not my permanent choice.’ As soon as we know that, it is time to move on. Getting into dead-in relationships and staying there for far too long is all too easy, because lots of people are somewhat appropriate for us. Nobody needs a book about finding Mr. or Ms. Almost-Right…To find the Right one, the cost is bypassing every Wrong match so our hearts, minds and schedules are open and free for genuine connection.”
- “What better way to ensure fidelity than to fall madly for She Who Is Hard To Get? Men’s brains are wired to develop addictions to women who make guys wait. The longer the chase, the more dopamine is released; the higher he gets, the harder he falls.”
- “To be totally open to finding the Right one, you need to be totally done with seeing the Wrong one.”
- Five signs it’s time to end the relationship:
- When they lack even one of your Must-Haves…If your sweetie has a deal-breaker, the deal is broken. Find out and get out early, or repent at leisure. Break up as soon as you know the deal is broken. If you’ve waited past that time, the second-best time is now!
- When the pain outweighs the pleasure…If this person isn’t who you need in courtship, your own common sense and many, many studies indicate they’re even less likely to be who you need later on.
- When they don’t love you (enough)…Unrequited love is broken love. Don’t settle for it.
- When you don’t love them (enough).
- When your intuition says so…We want this to be The One, so we keep our eyes half-lidded just when we need them wide-open. Remember you are still investigating this person until you get married…You can leave just because you need to. You can leave just because your gut tells you to.
(I received no perks or payment for mentioning this self-purchased book.)